


Unbreakable Kiss

by PhoenixofFire177



Series: Types of Kisses [7]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Arranged Marriage, Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of religion, Transphobia, bc shitty parents and shitty rolemodels are bad, biphobia by extention, but there is a sexuality crisis, but theyre canonically transphobic sooooo, dont enter relationships like this either kiddo, fuck ton of abuse, holy mother of horrible parents batman, im an awful person, its p bad, look i used personal experience here too, no you dont understand sonny literally refuses to open the door, oh theres no coffee joke this time either, rafael wants to help but sonny wont let him in, sonny dates bad people, sonnys parents kinda suck in this fic, sorry for the angst yall, sorry my dudes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-27
Updated: 2017-06-27
Packaged: 2018-11-19 20:57:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11321598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixofFire177/pseuds/PhoenixofFire177
Summary: The type of kiss that really shouldn't be happening; it's a mistake, but you can't find yourself able to pull away.





	Unbreakable Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> more angst y'all. Tobeconspicuous, this is kinda your fault (jk love you fam).

Sonny Carisi always figured it would end like this. His parents had their plan for him, for all their children, and it in no way included the way he felt about his co workers. Sure, he was allowed to have friends and, on the off chance one of them was a sweet Catholic girl, he would have been allowed to date. It was just the way things worked. 

His parents raised him and his sisters the way their parents before them had raised them. Most kids who lived around the Carisi’s understood. As a good child, you had to respect God, clergymen, and your parents in that order. To disobey one of those authority figures was basically asking for a beating. It was a lesson not easily forgotten. 

The first time he’d strayed from the plan was in elementary school. The first week of third grade, he’d made the mistake of telling Theresa that he wanted to marry his best friend. She’d thought it was cute… until she discovered who he meant. The day he brought Shea Di Felice home declaring the boy to be his best friend, well, let’s just say he and Theresa didn’t do much sharing afterwards. He didn’t hold it against her at all. At age 8, he didn’t understand that what he felt was wrong. She was trying to protect him from sin and as Father Gadreel recommended, he forgave her. After all, nothing she did was out of line. 

The second time was in seventh grade. He and Shea were no longer friends by then but Sonny still hadn’t managed to repress himself. His unholy desire manifested once again when he developed a crush on his girlfriend’s older brother. Cassandra Bowne was blonde, blue-eyed, and just about everything his parents wanted in a daughter-in-law. Sonny had been blindsided by her kind manner and her ability to fit in with his loud family so easily. He wasn’t counting on Nathaniel. Nathaniel Bowne was everything Cassandra wasn’t. He was harsh, an outcast, and most definitely not good for Sonny at all. Sonny fell in love at once. They spent hours together while Cassandra wasn’t around, getting to know each other and slowly building a special sort of love between them; it was too good to last. He wasn’t sure how Father Gadreel found out and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. It was probably better to not. Right? … right?

Gina came clean to him in tenth grade. Nathaniel had confessed at their church after one of their meetings. It was after the first time they’d kissed. Father Gadreel had overheard the admission and sought out Mr. and Mrs. Carisi. Sonny was grounded for two months and banned from seeing anyone related to the Bowne’s ever again. It wasn’t part of the plan. He knew that now and once again, they were only trying to help. Nathaniel was trying to save both of them; an act of friendship and familial love that would stay with him for the next couple of years. Somehow it made the pain of losing his first love bearable. 

He didn’t derail the plan again until he exited the police academy. Sonny wasn’t trying to undo the progress he’d made until he saw her. She was beautiful, smart, funny, and Sonny was hooked. They met for coffee on a bright Thursday afternoon and he learned her name was Delilah. Her family kicked her out at age 15 along with the church just for being different. She wasn’t any different than any other woman as far as he could tell. This was Sonny’s first experience with transphobia. Delilah was ashamed of herself and claimed no man could ever love her for her sin. It was basically the same spiel he heard so many years ago. He’d promised her he loved her no matter what. It had been enough for her and they’d been happy together. She was everything he ever wanted in a woman yet God seemed to have other plans. She met his parents after dating for only three weeks and Sonny didn’t even think about how it would go. 

He’d never seen his father so angry in his entire life. That was saying something because he still remembered Bella’s brief phase of dating her roommate in college. He’d tried to intervene, tried to stop the situation from deteriorating. He wasn’t fast enough. Delilah left his family home that night in tears, begging him to never talk to her again. It was his first official break up. 

Then came Rafael Barba. Sonny walked into that courtroom completely unprepared and slipped again. He gazed into those hard green eyes and felt his heart speed up. Fuck, he was falling again. The worst possible thing that could happen just had to. He was being tested. 

Sonny tried to resist; he tried to just goddamn ignore it. But then Rafael flashed that stupid smirk and offered to help with the bar exam and Sonny felt his control slipping away. After one of their study sessions, he made the drive to Father Gadreel. He didn’t know what to do and he knew the priest could help. He’d done so before… hadn’t he? 

Needless to say, that confession was the hardest thing he’d done since transferring to Manhattan. It was hard hearing that something that felt so right was wrong. He knew it was sin; he’d always known, but this felt more right than anything else. Was it possible that God was wrong? He’d voiced that much to Father Gadreel and was met with powerful scolding. 

“Dominick, don’t ever blaspheme like that! The Lord’s rules are in place to protect his children and you would be wise to remember that. Remember what happened when you were younger? You were too naive to understand what was going on. Lust is a sin, Dominick, and I’m trying to prevent you from falling into Satan’s trap.” 

Sonny learned two things that night. One, Father Gadreel was right about one thing. He had been too young to understand. Two, Satan’s name was Lucifer and he had once been God’s favourite. 

He continued to avoid his feelings for months after that confession. Despite his never ending feeling of wrongness, repression was the only thing he’d even known. How could he do anything else? Allowing his feelings to escape only caused trouble for everyone. Sonny would continue to suffer in silence. His feelings would fester deep inside until Sonny could control them. He refused to let Rafael get hurt by him. Not like Shea… not like Nathaniel… and definitely not like Delilah. 

His parents never found out about Rafael. Quite the opposite, in fact. They thought their son was finally over his deviant phase and set him up with a young woman named Violetta. She was the daughter of a family friend and the childhood companion of Sony and his sisters. Their parents were thrilled. 

Sonny put every ounce of himself into their relationship, as he always did. He ignored the ache deep in his gut and the shocked look on Rafael’s face when it inevitably came out at work. Maybe it was because he didn’t want to admit he’d been complacent in the match but Sonny had almost hoped it would never come out. He liked the pseudo relationship between him and Rafael… did it really have to change? 

Of course it did; Sonny wasn’t going to pull Rafael down with him into sin. Cheating was wrong enough but to add homosexuality? He would be damning the prosecutor to an afterlife in the lowest level of Hell. 

He and Violetta got engaged per their parents’ wishes. It was a perfectly tailored beginning to a perfectly tailored relationship, or so he was told. The only problem was that he didn’t love the person he was marrying. Maybe… maybe the plan wasn’t so great after all. 

Invitations went out to the entire precinct the week before the wedding. Violetta came down to deliver them herself and wouldn’t you know it, Rafael just so happened to be there too. Sonny watched as the ADA read over the invitation and shuddered as his expression hardened. Oh god, he was going to be sick. The longer they kept eye contact, the more he felt like the world had gotten ripped out from underneath him. 

He wasn’t proud of it but that’s what it was. He also wasn’t proud of the way he locked himself in the men’s room but here he was. T-minus 7 days until he signed his life away to a woman he didn’t even love. 

The wedding was a lavish affair but Sonny could care less. He didn’t care about the 7,000 dollar dresses his sisters bought; he didn’t care about how hard it was for the entire family and their friends to fly out to New York on short notice. Hell, he didn’t even care that it was his life that was being ruined. The only thing on his mind was the look on Rafael’s face from last week. There was so much pain in that one look… Sonny could relate. Was it possible that this was a mistake? Could the plan be wrong? 

“Detective? Are you ready?” 

Rafael’s voice came from behind the door to the room Sonny had barricaded himself in. Shit. 

“Yeah, uh… I’ll be out in a second.” 

A complete lie. There was no way Sonny was coming out of this room. He didn’t care anymore. If this was where repression got him, he’d be better off anywhere but here. He heard Rafael’s sigh. 

“Sonny… come out, please. You… you can’t leave your bride waiting at the altar. It wouldn’t be right.” 

“Counselor, I can’t do this! Please, just… let me deal with this.” 

The door rattled, as if Rafael tried to open it. Sonny had thought of everything. The sound of an object hitting the door made him jump. 

“Sonny… open the door, cariño. Let me help you.” 

God, how he wanted to. Rafael sounded so concerned and Sonny wanted nothing more than to confide in him. Maybe he could have helped… but Sonny had already made up his mind. He opened the door and stared at Rafael for a minute. 

“Can I ask you for something?” 

“Anything.” 

Sonny wet his lips nervously and placed his hands on Rafael’s shoulders. 

“Kiss me? Just once… so I can experience kissing someone I love before I do this?” 

He sounded so vulnerable and Rafael was reminded of how young Sonny truly was. That didn’t stop him from obliging. 

“You only had to ask.” 

Their lips met for the first and last time; a bittersweet declaration of love. Sonny melted into the embrace, completely unaware of the tears threatening to spill out of his tightly shut eyes. He never wanted this moment to end. 

Rafael, for his part, was holding nothing back. His arms pressed the detective against himself and his grip was like steel. He’d waited this long and dammit, he was not going to lose this chance. His only chance…

They could have had this, they both thought; one wistful and the other scarcely fighting back tears. All those years of denial only for him to slip again. 

Sonny Carisi was going to Hell. 

The detective gingerly detached himself from the ADA, eyes sparkling with unshed tears and lips swollen from their passionate moment. For the first and last time, Sonny addressed the elephant in the room. 

“I love you, councelor.” 

With that, he was gone, already taking off down the hall to rejoin reality. Rafael was left alone, nothing but the knowledge that his detective loved him echoing in his mind. He walked purposefully and exited the church. 

There was no use thinking about what could have been. 

Sonny Carisi was a married man and his spouse was not Rafael. 

Everything was fine. 

He turned a corner.

Everything was fine… 

A cab pulled up by the curb.

Everything was… 

Rafael entered the cab and didn’t look back. 

Not fine.


End file.
